Christmas Lie

It comes in waves,
my Christmas spirit
Not like the ocean,
- you could barely hear it
Leftovers of sound waves
- in the dead of winter
The kind that quietly tap the lake shore
- when no one else is there
There is a longing I can't identify
For Christmases past that all seem a lie.

Winter Coat

Today I opened a box of winter coats

And although it's almost unbearably hot

I put the plaid one on

I thought about giving it away

As I stare a strange hot summer in the face

But I can't quite turn that page

It's been only two months 

Since I stood beneath slow falling snow

And I'm just not ready to let go.

Phantom Limb

Sometimes 
I am surprised when
I catch my thumb searching
Through a different time
For someone else's wedding ring.

You're Welcome?

I'm not your sleeping pill or your shot of vodka

And I am certainly not your mother.

I finally threw your shirt away - after years

Only to discover your voice in my ear 

Shirt is gone. I thought. And I turned without a tear. 

That was it. I thought. The last letting go.

So I wiped my hands clean.

Then my phone rang from a number I didn't know.

You acted as though you were never gone.

How bold and unabashedly selfish.

But I did excitedly say, hello.

Then you appeared at my door

Because I left it wide open.

Now you seem to think you are welcome.

Dear Unavailable,

When I said "You're hot"
It turns out I meant cold
I can't tell what you are -
Or what you're not
And it's really getting old.

Sincerely,
Letting Go

Be Careful What You Wish For

7.23.2015

Biopsy.
Polyps.
History.
Cancer.
Waiting.

I'm writing these words because I need to
Before the results come, before I know
Because my abdomen has been a war zone
And I'm not sure if I can take any more
Not without knowing what I'm fighting.
Part of me wants to hear, "It isn't anything"
But I need an answer, I want an answer
What if it's nothing? What if it's cancer?
I need validation for all of this pain.

I've never been careful with what I wish for
Always screaming what I want when I want it
What if my body heard me crying out
And gave me something to complain about?

No Poetry

There's this poetry inside me,
Words spinning around,

All this truth looking for a way out
Past the walls I've built -
- from everything we've lied about
From a foundation of fear and doubt

So my pen lies still, the paper is clear
But my mind is not

Because I'm afraid of what's in here
What has been lurking and how much?
What lies have been told, for how long?
Mostly, who have these lies fucked?

There's only so long I can stay
There's only so much I can take

Before this poetry ruptures this page.

Just Ask

When I was a small girl, I sat in my grandmother’s yard with watermelon juice dripping down my chin. Once the juicy pink triangle disappeared, I examined the white colored piece of the rind and took a bite. I worried it might not be good for me, but Mum said it was okay. I continued taking bites until the white section was gone. And even though the rind was bitter, I settled for it with the hope of staying connected to the bright sweetness of the watermelon’s pink flesh.

Dear Small Girl, 

     Please, please just ask for a new slice. 

With Love, 

Lessons Learned.

Depression

She whispers in your ear that it's okay

That sinking back down is fine

The discomfort becomes a marinade

To soak in, to simmer, to lie
She wraps you in a cold blanket
Chills you until your body aches
Numbs you to the point you think - 

Won't it be nice for a minute?

To bathe in warm tears and call it an illness?

Unresting Ghosts

Lurking un-sublty,
Whispering untruths,
Revealing evil,
Only I can refuse;
Screeching memory
Breathes ghastly things
From closets of the past
That fling noisily open.

Either Way, I'm Here

For Kaden

Let me hold your hand, and I will hold it tightly
Until a looser grip suits your stability
And when your palm aches to feel the breeze of independence,
And your soles of your feet wish to walk unassisted,
I will stand beside you so that we both feel the wind on our faces
But if the wind blows too hard, my shoulder is there
We can sway together with the wind in our hair -
Until it becomes time again to step forward
I want to help you find what you're looking for
Let me walk near you so that even in your solitude,
You can derive comfort from the things I wish for you.

The Bottom of the Glass

There's a care-free - care-less? side of me that pours the wine

And toasts to you - to us. We are happy. But there is also a side -

- an exposed nerve that is struck with each can's opening crack

Burdened memory begs, "Are things as good as they seem?"

I hastily gulp my wine to drown the doubt. I say I'm fine. 

We? are? fine? Logical Thinking looks for a way out, 

Edges of the lies stab from the inside-out
My breath reeks heavily of doubt
Another glass tells me it's okay

The pain pretends to go away

But 

my 

memory 

can't help 

but maintain

every reminder from a sopping wet past.

There is no way out from the bottom of the glass.

Warning Label

She draws you in.
You feel her first bite.

It stings at first,
But there's barely a fight,
Because then comes the rush,
The numbness makes it alright.
She fills up the emptiness,
Warms blood that turned cold,
Then she promises to stay 
Says you two will grow old.

In rare moments of clarity,
You know it's a trap
But she fills up your cup
And she rubs your back. 

She puts on a mask, a friendly decoy
That distracts you with laughter,
And provides a fake sense of joy.

Then the head aches begin,
And your stomach won't heal
Until you've forgotten what it's like -
- to feel pain. to feel well. to feel. 

She's a silent fluid predator
Slipping down your throat
And unless you catch her,
She'll completely take you out. 

Please Remember?

Can we remember our opinions on how others' should work? 

How we would fix all these people that hurt? 

Because we have easy answers for everyone else. 

We have the answers to it all, within ourselves, 

Derived from our experiences, permanently ingrained. 

Can we remember that? That we know everything? 

I'll look at your answers, you look at mine. 

If we can just remember every time we smile,

To find compassion with every frown,

Can we remember this? So forever doesn't drown?

Do we even know if forever is real? 

Can we remember that forever is here? 

Can we forget?

And know what is now? 

...what about now? 

Let's not remember. Let's just be. Let's just know:

The way your body feels against mine, 

The way you kiss me like it's the first time,

Let's just know how we feel without fear - 

Let's know nothing beyond right here. 

 

Facing Backward

Sinking eyes.
Serious mouths.
Sad shoulders.

Long faces hold yesterday's gaze
Eyes turn inward
Minds travel backward

Though the train pulls forward

The morning hangs on, 
The night won't let go.
There is a small child clinging

To all of us. 

Left Isn't Right

Now that you've left

I am compelled to admit

I wish you didn't

I wish we didn't -

I don't know -

Something different

Because...

Now that you have left

I just don't feel right.

Face and Fall

"I don't like where I am in my life"
One word slurred into another
"Too much pain and too much strife"
Unaware of all who love her
"Don't tell me tomorrow what I've said"
When the afterthought turned to beg 
"I don't want to face what I've become"
Blurred memory of where she came from
"Maybe I should... maybe I should face it"
Then her own advice quickly dissipated
"But I can't do it - I shouldn't have called"
And the voice disappeared into her nightly fall.

Crush

If I could stand within the rays he emits long enough
Maybe I'd be comforted enough to say this:

Your face is a calm autumn day in the middle of summer

And your smile has rays that send my head over -

- and under, and through - sweet dreams in slumber

I dreamt your arms to be a warm, nestling blanket

So I hold on to the moments with our brief embraces

And I hold in the words of my impatient feelings

They bang loudly against the walls of my imagination

"I was just wondering, are you seeing anyone?"

Such a simple question! I can't bring myself to ask

As though the answer would remove the mask

Is it a facade I've held on to that there is a chance?

I wonder if I'm happiest with my imagination's glance.

Blue Mondays

Another Monday, you're feeling blue
An unexplained headache
You just don't feel like you.

Another Monday, I'm missing you
An unsurprising heartache
I wish I didn't love you.

Another Monday, recovering from booze
A story for my sake?
I don't want your excuse.

Close Encounters are Unkind

I heard you whisper my name
I turned and you weren't there.

It slips.
Every time.
Where you are.

Someone always tells me.
They must not know
What it's like to feel your glow
Then stand outside of it, cold.
They must not know
What it's like to fall apart
When I hear that you're close.
I imagine your laugh
And I can't help but cry,
Because these close encounters
Are so very unkind.