You Don't Love Me

"But I'm so in love with him"
Words in a bottle wait quietly
Memories weigh on mind and skin
And you don't love me

A voice on the phone
Thoughts when you're alone
You make the call automatically
But you don't love me

One hand tangled in the other
A fall without my almost lover
I release my grip reluctantly
Because you don't love me

Bottle

I saw the words
And then I heard them
In my heart and in my head

Screaming loud
I love him. I love him.
Should I say it
Should I release the sound
To break this silent bottle

I've been living in.

She Knows

There is a tree
That stands alone
It bends and breaks
And slowly grows
And this tree knows:

About the sky
Lit with dreams from the day
A fading gleam in her eye
And branches that freely sway

Back and forth in the wind
This tree thinks about him
(One who lays where she lays
One who says "Please don't go")
And this tree knows:

About the earth
The enigma lies beneath her
With the roots that tie her down
To an everchanging ground

A steady base
Whose will is braced
Against cold rains and snows
Standing against the sun's harsh rays
And this tree knows:

About the weather
Every rain drop and sun-filled shine
That was there to help her find
The pieces that hold her together

The way she wants to love
Versus the way he won't let her
The storm his fear is made of
With wind that painfully blows
And this tree knows:

About time
How it moves so quickly
How it stands so still
And how it waits on an empty window sill

There is a tree
That stands alone
It bends and breaks
And slowly grows
And this tree knows:

That it is time to let go.

04-09-1985

He plays her birthday in the lottery
And plays her music for his birds
When he loves, he loves completely
And he talks about God's word

He finds light in the face of his daughter
And is softened by his grandson's laughter
He is haunted by a difficult past
Where the shadows of addiction are cast
He closes his eyes to the sound of gospel
And familiar faces smile from his walls
Lost in the thick New England mist
He thinks of the woman who once he kissed
And the girl who was born from all of this
A tiny smile he'll never dismiss


So he plays my birthday in the lottery
And plays my music for his birds
When he loves, he loves completely
And he talks about God's word

Summer Eternal

The humid summer moistened my face
As I held out a freshly picked favorite
(the tiny pedals of Queen Anne's Lace)
"For you, Mom, I hope you like it"
A cool damp towel shaded my skin
From the dull yellow rays of New England
Just me and her on the glimmering grass
On hot soggy days that never seemed to pass
The high, emerging sun warmed my back
And seagulls snuck up hoping for a snack
Little toes searched for the wettest sand
And a splash of cold water made me laugh
A little unsure, I grabbed for her hand
Steady and smiling with my first best friend
At a flawless time in a memoir with no end

Paper Past

I unfolded the pieces of the past
To be swallowed by a sea
Of dizzying white and black
Lost in the mist of memory

The faded ink on each sheet
Spilled carelessly into my head
A fleet of emotion that once existed
In the tale of my past and me

Each word swung like a wrecking ball
And crashed into my safety walls
Knocking them down brick by brick
As Future's clock continued to tick

For Kaden

"Mommy, I love you as big as the whales."

And I love you.

As deep as the ocean

And just as wide too

As smelly as all the animals in the zoo

I love you as big as the mountains,

As tall as the trees

And yes,

As big as the whales that swim in the seas

I love you here and far

From the grass up to the stars

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

Through your best, your funniest

And your most michevious days

I love you as wet as the rain

On the gray coast of Maine

And as dry as the desert on the sunniest day

I love you more, I love you most

I love you in every big and little way.

Play.

I play these words in my head;


Replies to the nothing that you've said.


We've been playing this game;


Without a label, without names,


Without the three words I want to say.


When I'm angry, you know it


When I'm happy, I'll show it


But when it comes to my love,


My lips won't let go of it.

Corners

When your stare escaped away from mine,


What thoughts dripped from the corner of your eye?


Were you thinking you love me?


Were you thinking good-bye?


You asked what I'm doing,


"I'm trying to read your mind"


You asked if it's working


And got a discouraged reply.


What image rests in the corner of your mind?


What exists in your dreams, your hopes, your lies?


Tell me, what words danced through your gaze


As you stared off into a corner far away.

Heavy

“So you cannot lift a spirit that has turned to lead. Or shine light in a shadow when the batteries are dead…” – Trisha Yearwood

I am thousands of miles away from a town that used to be my home. I’m states away from everyone up there who is suffering the loss of another friend, daughter, classmate, neighbor… another child from a generation in Winthrop that has already lost so much. I am feeling the same helplessness that creeps in with every tragedy that travels so quickly to my ears. I sit here in Colorado and can do nothing but be thankful for the life, for the family and network of friends I’ve begun out here. My heart still sags at the thought of not only this loss, but all of them. To avoid coddling the sadness that has made its way to my heart, I write.

The weight of the heavy air pushes down
On the drooping shoulders
Of a freezing northeastern town.
The words, “One more time to hold her…”
Are written on the heart breaking frown
Of a place crushed by another deadly boulder.
Another wrecking ball driving a hearse
Moves painfully slow down the road with her.
And whispers of a town that’s cursed,
Pierce the ears of all that felt and heard
The blow of one more tragedy to be immersed
In a sea of goodbyes that seems to always return.