Everything after But

I still spin poetry about you as though you're close by. As though you just left. As though you're coming back. As though my silent pleading, my body aching, my tears falling will reach your ears, your eyes, your memory.


You looked at me like,
"Don't take these pictures"
But I'm glad I did

Looking at them now
I see what your eyes said
Your face showed me how
When I didn't know why,
You couldn't tell the truth

But neither could you lie
You said you loved me

But you couldn't fall

It was cold behind your walls.

Mom used to say,
"Everything after but is bullshit."

O.K.

I just stepped on Batman
While avoiding Laundry Mountain
The socks are quickly disappearing
And dishes are sheepishly leering
The kiddo doesn't want to sleep
Definitely won't brush his teeth
The world is undoubtedly spinning
Without care of what I'm thinking
The bills are piled up high
All I can muster is a sigh
At the end of this very long day
I wouldn't mind hearing the cliche:


"Everything will be okay." 

Black Clouds in Silver Lining

We are based on silver lines
Our notes and affections
Large glasses of wine
But it's time to talk
You hear ominous in my tone
Black clouds on the horizon?
They formed on their own
Before we could even see
How heavy, the sky was gray
And we have tiptoed gingerly
Through days and daze
Far past what we used to be:
A friendship with a question
Now answered too completely.

Gripped

There is a longing
An unfulfilled need
That grips me
An ache that is sewn-in
Entangled deep within me
Threads that pull when I breathe
Nostalgic images
Illusory visions
I blink to hold in
There is
An unfulfilled aching
That grips me
Because there is a fear
Of letting go -
Of finding what I need
That I allow to plague me.

Regarding Temporary Bad Health

Wine glasses are where the mugs should be
Colors are vanishing from my closet
Motivation isn't where it could be
And it seems as though I've lost it.

Sigh of Relief

Now that you've really left
I breathe a less heavy sigh
But still my heart heavily resets
Each time your ghost drives by

Though it takes less time to remind myself
- to hear in my head, "We said goodbye"
I can't quite put it back on the shelf
Or stop my hopeful, hallucinating eye.

Beach Towel

Beneath a cool towel wet from the ocean
Nothing felt air but my nose and chin
I remember the warmth and the way it felt
Inside the terrycloth, I would never melt


The comfort that wrapped around -
 - I long for it now -
That perfect balance 
(Chills on my skin, sweat on my brow)


I wonder, if I were to find out how -
 - To get back to that moment on the beach
If I would feel - and hear and see
The same sights and sounds of that serenity. 

Like

I love you like rain on the porch swing
And our perfectly unplanned evenings

I love you like the perfect cup of coffee

And the breaths that pleasantly stop me -

- From worrying or thinking at all:

I love you like a dangerous free fall.

Drinks

Wine made me love you

Liquor made me want you

Coffee made me laugh

But now,

Wine makes me sleepy

Liquor makes me weepy

Coffee makes me mad.

Unfamiliar

I
Am someone you don't recognize
Because when you went away
I found out how to survive

I
Am someone who loves
(and leaves) With reckless abandon
Who hurts quietly within

I

Am someone you don't recognize

Because when you stole away

It felt as though you died

I

Have broken a few hearts

With mine seldom broken

Hidden behind walls that I've built

I
Am someone you don't recognize
Because when you went away
I found out how to thrive

I

Am your daughter, an old friend

In a space that illness has created

Still, my love for you has no end

Maybe one day you will,
Maybe one day I will,
Understand
(why)
This is who I am.