Monday, August 24, 2015

Dear Unavailable,

When I said "You're hot"
It turns out I meant cold
I can't tell what you are -
Or what you're not
And it's really getting old.

Sincerely,
Letting Go

Friday, May 1, 2015

Right now

Just for right now
When I'm weak and alone
Come to my side
And pretend you've not gone

Just for tonight
Hold on like I never left
And while I'm in your sight
Let me believe one more time
We will see morning light

Just for right now
When I'm weak and alone
Look at me when we say good-bye
So that I can finally let you go.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Because I was Asleep

There was a dream
About you and me
That we fell from slowly
Gripping weightlessly

To hopes unreachably high

There was a dream
About you and me
When we did reach that high
...but that dream was not mine

And those hopes were all a lie.
.

Monday, March 30, 2015

No Poetry

There's this poetry inside me,
Words spinning around,

All this truth looking for a way out
Past the walls I've built -
- from everything we've lied about
From a foundation of fear and doubt

So my pen lies still, the paper is clear
But my mind is not

Because I'm afraid of what's in here
What has been lurking and how much?
What lies have been told, for how long?
Frankly, who have these lies fucked?

There's only so long I can stay
There's only so much I can take

Before this poetry ruptures this page.


Friday, March 27, 2015

Just Ask


When I was a small girl, I sat in my grandmother’s yard with watermelon juice dripping down my chin. Once the juicy pink triangle disappeared, I examined the white colored piece of the rind and took a bite. I worried it might not be good for me, but Mum said it was okay. I continued taking bites until the white section was gone. And even though the rind was bitter, I settled for it with the hope of staying connected to the bright sweetness of the watermelon’s pink flesh.

Dear Small Girl, 

     Please, please just ask your mom for a new slice. 

With Love, 
Lessons Learned.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Bring A Flashlight Next Time

Did I fall in love?
Or did I just

F
    A
        L
            L

FLAT on my face
Broken to pieces
That fill an empty space
There is light I reach for
But it's dark in here
There's a mysterious door
But I can't find the floor
I'm fumbling for balance
It's hard to stand in the dark
Believe me, I've tried it once or twice

So I cup my hands to hold the lies
And decidedly pull the wool over my eyes
Until I cannot take one more minute,
I'll be hiding here, blocking out my own light.



Without building fire, you'll fall swiftly down
When it gets cold, you reach for those sparks


But by then, it's just too dark


Hey.


Bring a damn flashlight next time.





This poem was created from an envelope scribbling I barely remember writing. So often, my written words stream directly to the page without my acknowledgement or permission. My writing is more honest than I'm willing to be, especially to myself. I am posting the following entry publicly because it's important to remember that we all struggle. We all get lost sometimes. We all fuck up. So it's important to remember that those pill bottle fumbles and noose nightmares will pass. Instead of reaching for the darkness, find the sparks that will move you- the sparks banded together to create a strong glowing flame that refuses to burn out. We are all responsible for keeping that fire going because we are all in this together.


I'm not sure I've ever felt so lost. How did I even get here? Did I fall in love or did I just fall - flat on my face - staring into a broken mirror at the fragments of myself. What is this state I'm in? I'm searching for something, I feel it a constant pull, but it's so dark that I cannot even hear my thoughts properly. And I'm so numb that feeling my way through this has only gotten me more lost. I'm reaching into an abyss and the light I reach for has gotten dimmer every day. I've fumbled pill bottles - an attempt to give in to the darkness. An attempt to be permanently dark. Permanently gone. Because I can't remember who I am or what I'm doing here.
 January 2015

Friday, January 30, 2015

Depression

She whispers in your ear that it's okay
That sinking back down is fine
The discomfort becomes a marinade
To soak in, to simmer, to lie
She wraps you in a cold blanket
Chills you until your body aches
Chills you to the point you think - 
Won't it be nice for a minute?
To bathe in warm tears and call it an illness?


Saturday, November 1, 2014

Unresting Ghosts

Lurking un-sublty,
Whispering untruths,
Revealing evil,
Only I can refuse;
Screeching memory
Breathes ghastly things
From closets of the past
That fling noisily open.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Either Way, I'm Here

For Kaden

Let me hold your hand, and I will hold it tightly
Until a looser grip suits your stability
And when your palm aches to feel the breeze of independence,
And your soles of your feet wish to walk unassisted,
I will stand beside you so that we both feel the wind on our faces
But if the wind blows too hard, my shoulder is there
We can sway together with the wind in our hair -
Until it becomes time again to step forward
I want to help you find what you're looking for
Let me walk near you so that even in your solitude,
You can derive comfort from the things I wish for you.



Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Bottom of the Glass

There's a care-free - care-less? side of me that pours the wine
And toasts to you - to us. We are happy. But there is also a side -
- an exposed nerve that is struck with each can's opening crack
Burdened memory begs, "Are things as good as they seem?"
I hastily gulp my wine to drown the doubt. I say I'm fine. 
We? are? fine? Logical Thinking looks for a way out, 
Edges of the lies stab from the inside-out
My breath reeks heavily of doubt
Another glass tells me it's okay
The pain pretends to go away
But 
my 
memory 
can't help 
but maintain
every reminder from a sopping wet past.
There is no way out from the bottom of the glass.