Saturday, December 31, 2011

Turning Twenty Five

In between good and great
A chance to taste
But not to hold
In between young and old
When the world unfolds
While you wait on hold
A momentary glance
An inside view at chance
A realization, or two or three
That you don't know a damn thing!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tough


"oh honey, you're tough"
as though I scraped my knee
as though this isn't rough
as though there is nothing I need


she thinks I'm so strong
I can't tell if she's listening
a scream for help,
I just want my mom.

her voice is flat
so I hold back tears
my voice still cracks
though it's been years

since she left
cold, empty replies
over a distant line
are constant reminders

that still make me cry.





Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Everything Will Be



I stared at a sparkling wonderland in the yard and painfully tried to figure out if the glitter would follow me. Please let this follow me. I was overwhelmed by the cleansing beauty and cold air, and then a heavy sadness. Would it be like this there? Wherever it is I go?
I gazed across the snow covered yard at the back door to what has been my home and questioned how I'd survive this - I watched the vision of the place I have loved so much - disappear before my eyes. It melted away like a mirage the snow created. I glanced at the two remaining pieces of firewood by the back door and felt as though I was struck by them. Ha, good thing I didn't buy more. For a fire that has gone out. Logically, I know it will snow, and even sparkle; I know the mountains are not moving, it is just meI know that my friendships remain the same; I know that I am as close to beauty as I am willing to recognize at any point. But right now, I know that this hurts. I know that I need to feel the loss and the emptiness, so that I may open the space for the fulfillment that will come. 


Okay?

At the end of this very long day
I hear there's a new beginning
I hear that it will all be okay 
Yes, everything

And...

I know slates are wiped clean to start over
I know fire burns to encourage growth
I know that things are worse before better
I know that the sky is darkest before dawn

But...

At the end of this very long day
Though reminded that I'm strong
Before I know it'll be okay,
I need time for this one sad song.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Raw People

I went on a nice date
With a nice boy
To a nice place.
He might be a decoy.

I drove home and thought of "my people"; my weird, beautiful Colorado family. The ones I find instant connection with; the raw people - you know: the people who use the baggage they carry as humor devices. The weight on their shoulders is expressed sarcastically - almost hopelessly. They laugh freely, curse freely, make love freely - and cry (not quite as freely, but it happens). They are instantly comfortable and easy to talk to, joke with, sleep with. They are exciting and adventurous, but reckless too. Free-spirited (messy, maybe) with strong beliefs - some that hold still long enough for a photograph, then change expression. These are the people I laugh with, talk to, kiss, love freely, curse freely at, and cry in front of. They are people who love me, fall in love with me and on occasion, leave me in a shattered mess of confusion and pieces of broken heart. Mostly, they are people that love me; and people I will deeply love for all time. We exist together through chaos, awkwardness, through laughter, and through heartbreak but only because we are reckless enough to fall in love with each other and crazy enough to fall out... and back in. But there is always a spark with these people. These people are stitched recklessly, yet thoughtfully, together in a security blanket wrapped tightly around; a quilt that has allowed me to feel at home no matter where I am.

So I went on a nice date
With a very nice boy.
And knew he was out of place
When he didn't have a story.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Ninety Mintues

I've experienced cliche,
How this was a mistake,
The first thought to be great,
Didn't quite translate.

Hollywood does it well
An appetite easily quelled
A solution in ninety minutes, 
Predictably and plainly spelled.

But here's how it is: 

I really do want this
Just kidding,no I don't
We should not  have kissed
You really should go.

Unlike a movie, 
That ties up nicely,
Just begin by leaving,
And we'll call this even.



Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dreams Deceased

In memory of my former classmate and childhood friend, Jason Ruman, who died as a result of drunk driving on November 5, 2005.

I dreamt of him last night
Just as he was, just as we were
His mannerisms, his every whim
The way I always stuck up for him

Kids can be unknowingly cruel
They don't know what he went through

My slumber captured him perfectly
Stolen directly from my memory
Flickering in front of me
A slow, interactive movie

We spent a day as though it was real
Punching each other playfully
Whispering the secrets of our families
(As though they were ours to steal)

I saw again the quiet glow
That, tragically, so few got to know
The one I saw from the bus in fifth grade
The one I thought would never fade

I woke to find myself alone,
And for a moment, I forgot
That he is somewhere we are not
Taken from our gray-colored home

Kids can be unknowingly cruel
When they don't know what else to do

He has no idea what we've been through.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Not Proud


...because it's the knowledge love exists
That initially shows to be attractive
But once undoubtedly confirmed
I grow tired of being reassured

I am cool and calm in such a way,
- his confidence quickly dissipates
I am vulnerable, but barely enough
And pushy just a little too much
I pull away quickly
And flood back in too
And the worst part is: Through it all,
I'm thinking about you

I speak seeming secrets from my pillow
And present raw truths it seems I rarely show
(But I'm an undercover open book)
These are not things to be proud of, I know

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Everything after But


I still spin poetry about you as though you're close by. As though you just left. As though you're coming back. As though my silent pleading, my body aching, my tears falling will reach your ears, your eyes, your memory.


You looked at me like,
"Don't take these pictures"
But I'm glad I did

Looking at them now
I see what your eyes said
Your face showed me how
When I didn't know why,
You couldn't tell the truth

But neither could you lie
You said you loved me

But you couldn't fall

It was cold behind your walls.

Mom used to say,
"Everything after but is bullshit."




Thursday, October 6, 2011

O.K.

I just stepped on Batman
While avoiding Laundry Mountain
The socks are quickly disappearing
And dishes are sheepishly leering
The kiddo doesn't want to sleep
Definitely won't brush his teeth
The world is undoubtedly spinning
Without care of what I'm thinking
The bills are piled up high
All I can muster is a sigh
At the end of this very long day
I wouldn't mind hearing the cliche:


"Everything will be okay." 







Monday, September 26, 2011

Black Clouds in Silver Lining

We are based on silver lines
Our notes and affections
Large glasses of wine
But it's time to talk
You hear ominous in my tone
Black clouds on the horizon?
They formed on their own
Before we could even see
How heavy, the sky was gray
And we have tiptoed gingerly
Through days and daze
Far past what we used to be:
A friendship with a question
Now answered too completely.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Gripped

There is a longing
An unfulfilled need
That grips me
An ache that is sewn-in
Entangled deep within me
Threads that pull when I breathe
Nostalgic images
Illusory visions
I blink to hold in
There is
An unfulfilled aching
That grips me
Because there is a fear
Of letting go -
Of finding what I need
That I allow to plague me.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Regarding Temporary Bad Health

Wine glasses are where the mugs should be
Colors are vanishing from my closet
Motivation isn't where it could be
And it seems as though I've lost it.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Sigh of Relief

Now that you've really left
I breathe a less heavy sigh
But still my heart heavily resets
Each time your ghost drives by

Though it takes less time to remind myself
- to hear in my head, "We said goodbye"
I can't quite put it back on the shelf
Or stop my hopeful, hallucinating eye.












Beach Towel

Beneath a cool towel wet from the ocean
Nothing felt air but my nose and chin
I remember the warmth and the way it felt
Inside the terrycloth, I would never melt


The comfort that wrapped around -
 - I long for it now -
That perfect balance 
(Chills on my skin, sweat on my brow)


I wonder, if I were to find out how -
 - To get back to that moment on the beach
If I would feel - and hear and see
The same sights and sounds of that serenity. 

Friday, July 29, 2011

Like

I love you like rain on the porch swing
And our perfectly unplanned evenings
I love you like the perfect cup of coffee
And the breaths that pleasantly stop me -
- From worrying or thinking at all:
I love you like a dangerous free fall.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Drinks

Wine made me love you
Liquor made me want you
Coffee made me laugh

But now,

Wine makes me sleepy
Liquor makes me weepy
Coffee makes me mad.



Monday, June 20, 2011

Unfamiliar

I
Am someone you don't recognize
Because when you went away
I found out how to survive

I
Am someone who loves
(and leaves) With reckless abandon
Who hurts quietly within

I

Am someone you don't recognize
Because when you stole away
It felt as though you died

I
Have broken a few hearts
With mine seldom broken
Hidden behind walls that I've built

I
Am someone you don't recognize
Because when you went away
I found out how to thrive

I
Am your daughter, an old friend
In a space that illness has created
Still, my love for you has no end


Maybe one day you will,
Maybe one day I will,
Understand
(why)
This is who I am.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Honestly

If I'm being honest, it is a dangerous thing for you to fall in love with me and me to fall in love with you. But seems an easy thing.

If I'm being honest, I picture myself standing outside your liquid prison banging on walls with closed fists screaming to be let in.

If I'm being honest, I'm terrified that the strength of our friendship will not withstand the intimate weaknesses we are bound to see.

If I'm being honest, I'm avoiding all of this. Because I'm conflicted between logic and my understanding that life is fleeting and days should be seized.

And honestly, I love seizing the days with you. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Love and Appreciation for Aunt Norma

To my beautiful Aunt Norma
It is funny (in the way that you don't laugh, but scratch your furrowed brow instead): 
Death is one of few inevitables we experience, yet never does it get easier when a loved one leaves us. So I can't help but feel the sting behind my eyes and the sinking of my stomach as I say good-bye. She just posted on my Facebook how well she was doing - battling cancer for the third time! She wanted to know how Kaden and I are. And because I believe we are invincible sometimes; Because I forget how quickly life passes by, I responded to the comment with a convenient post on her wall. It took me a maybe a minute to tap on my keyboard with my thoughts and love for her, how great Kaden is. Another silly yet inevitable thing: I can't help but wish I had picked up the phone instead. I can't help but wish I knew that my "I love you" went straight into her ear, so I could be eased that she knew it - and how much I appreciate her presence in my early life. How grateful I am to have experienced the glow she has always emitted so beautifully. Whether it be years or a day of space from her, the warmth she wrapped around you returned within seconds of being near her. She held a key that unlocked closed doors to let in comfort and laughter. So instead of wishing I had called, or pointlessly hoping for one more moment to hug her and let her feel my appreciation, I am grateful in this moment. Grateful and inspired. Inspired to love as openly as she did, inspired to show Kaden the same love she showed her boys and her family. Inspired to pick up my phone. 

I can't help but feel the sting behind my eyes
And the sinking of my stomach as I say goodbye
And because I believe we are invincible sometimes, 
Because I forget how fleetingly life passes by, 
I can't help but wish I had made the call
So that I could have said it all
How glad I am that she was there
To make it seem like life was fair
With people like her to make you forget
That every battle is completely worth it.

*Thank you, Uncle Bryan, for the photo.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sunday Cake

A piece of cake and bottle of wine
Just enough to remove us from time
Details blur, boundaries turn soft
Next thing is I'm getting off -
 - On a little escape
A detour from - and to - our place
Crash landing to a welcoming space
Waking up face to face
With where we left but ended up
All swirled in the same drinking cup.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

See?

He sees me in the morning sky
And when his camera reaches his eye
He sees me in the evening shadows
And in dim mornings the night draws out
He sees me in the mirror's reflection
A ghost in the place that I once stood in


He sees the woman he thought I was
And I understand it now because


I see him in lights that subtly lie
And hear his slowly whispered good-bye 
I see him in mourning's early shadows
The silhouettes of what I let go
I see him in the photo's reflection
And the way I used to look at him


I see the man I thought he was
But I do not know him now because


Although we look at the same sky
There is distance from his eyes to mine
We see only ghosts inside the shadows
During the nights we have come to know
And remember clearly our own perceptions
Bridged by occasionally shared reflections




Poem inspired by a love letter that was written to me from a person who so carefully and gracefully carried my broken pieces for a moment in time. I am grateful for that moment.

"I see you in everything. I see you in the morning sky, I see you in the evening shadows, I see you in my dreams. I see you when I lift the camera to my eye, and when the picture magically appears I wonder if it would appeal to you. As each day wakes me, I hope you won't be the first thing on my mind...but you are."

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Moment of Truth (is a lie)

But truth is funny -
- in that non humorous way
Because it exists only for a minute or two
In the moments we hopelessly sway
When whispered lies are made to benefit you

Truth is dressed up in costume
So much that you stubbornly argue
That love was there and might be still
So you tap your fingers on the empty sill

And you reply in your head
To concerned inquiries of friends
That they don't know him like you do
That his hands and eyes told truth

Making it so nothing else needed to.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Fan

I felt like her biggest fan
(and closest friend)
I felt like I could tell her anything
(And I did. tell her. everything)

And now I can't find the meaning
Behind a tear that keeps on tearing

With such an abrupt ending
To a phase I thought would last
I've hardly processed the sting
To the things that are now our past.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Don't I?

Because we were a team
Like Bonnie and Clyde
Or June and Johnny
Weren't we?

Because you saw me
Through mine and in your eyes
 Intermingled in your life
Didn't you?

Because we
Held on desperately tight
 Through greatness and strife
Didn't we?

Because you - 
Loved me,
Right?
Didn't you?

It's impossible.
Seemingly illogical.
To let you go.
Because I love you,

Don't I?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Space Before Goodbye

There is a space before goodbye.

She led with, "It's your fault"
Then nothing until: "See ya later"
The fact that now he's gone
Rests heavy on my shoulders

Unfiltered blame was spoken
Truth or lie, it can't be unbroken
Words were painfully embedded
The statement cannot be unstated

The possibility of repair
Hangs in a delicate balance
Silent minds are unaware
Of apologies transpired since

All in the space before goodbye.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Symmetry

I used to see 
My face in your eyes
A reflection that reflects the guise
Things you told me, but mostly yourself
A focus on things you'd feel better about
 Words with bounds: "Maybe I could love you..."
Although you vaguely knew the truth
That love couldn't be and wasn't there
No matter how hard or how unfair -
 - it was to leave me unaware
Of how frustrating it felt
To be let down
By yourself
Now I see
My face through his eyes
A reflection to explain the guise
Of a love unexisting within myself
A wish for something to feel deeply about
Words unfound: "...but I do really love you."
Although not in a way that reaches true
Because  it  can't grow if it's not there
And  he  has to be somewhat aware
Of the repeating of this short tale 
( - quite difficult to tell)
As he falls in and -
and me down
By myself

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Apologies

I heard "I'm sorry."
But it doesn't change a thing
About what was said or how I'm feeling
It doesn't help me miss you less
It doesn't clean up any mess
Broken pieces, meaningless sex
A mess of perpetuating unhappiness
I wish you weren't sorry at all
Had you left uncaring and wordless,
Maybe I could've broken my own fall
But here I am, with echoes of "I'm sorry -
- I'll be there if you need anything at all."
Your apology left me burdened with hope;

And hope is not a happy thought
When all it does is break my heart.





Tuesday, February 15, 2011

July Remembers

It sits dry in the bottom of my glass
An empty memory of an empty past

July remembers the taste and the heat
Perfectly bitter and equally sweet
A sip of wine and then another
Minutes embraced by a moment of summer

A fragment of night when love spilled easily
July remembers the way he looked at me
And how "I love you" poured like wine
Without a breath, nor a responsive sigh

He looked at me with wide open eyes
And I heard my heart beat wildly inside
July remembers his hands and his silence
And knows why even his breath was quiet

A bottle from the vineyard, California 2007
I thought it would see us through 2011
Still it sits in the cabinet, silent and red
July knows about things unopened, unsaid

July remembers what passed fleetingly by
But will not remind me of how or why
So the very bottom of my glass is dry
As I search for a way to say good-bye.


{Summer 2009}



Monday, February 7, 2011

Can't Write You A Poem

There's a poem sitting in my head
But I don't know how to write it
There are out-loud words that I have said
But they don't quite do it justice

For the comfort you've wrapped around me
And the reprieve you've provided selflessly
For all the gifts you've graciously given me
There just aren't words that come out gracefully

There's a poem sitting in my head
With words of love and appreciation
Words that are better felt than said
In a poem that remains unwritten.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Mess

I screamed it loud
"Clean up after yourself!"
Hoping they would hear
With desperation in my tone:
"I can't be any more clear!"
I don't want to do this alone


When it boils down
To this messy house
I swear -
- I could run out of here.

(Inspired by the style of Shel Silverstein)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

...by Moon

Dimly glowing in a morning sky
As though time will never leave its side
The sun uprising from freezing sleep
Chases the moon away with radiant heat

In a moment when you could almost hear
Brilliantly, not one ounce of fear
A whisper of hello that turns to good-bye
 A truth is shown that sometimes seems a lie:

(When the sky so elogquently portrays)

That everything will be okay. 



Trash

Said good-bye before we knew it
Thought for sure we'd make it through
But there it went, away one threw it
And one still won't believe it's true.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Truth & I

TRUTH
Truth
     has chased me
And hunted me down
Has turned to face me
And held me to the ground
AND

I
     stare reluctantly
Into the mirror I've found
One I'm always facing
No matter where I'm bound
I

And
    we have loved and lost
And loved again
No matter the cost
With mirror in hand
(a gift forever un-lost)
I will face it again

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Safe.

A line remains drawn
Between safe and not
Barely separating us
From what we've sought
In lonely moments and long talks

We've studied cautiously, the unknown
Hinted quietly and spoken blatantly 
Screamed or wanted to and whispered subtly
Wondering what reaped would be sown

Still, a line remains drawn
Between safe and not
Waking me in an empty dawn
Safe inside my unsafe thoughts
Outside the words inside our talks


Monday, January 3, 2011

The Fear of Poetry

Your voice was my beacon
Through a time I couldn't speak in
I closed my eyes because all I could do
Was reach through my darkness for you

I found reprieve and I found sleep
...beside you, in me, on you, wildly
I found that you got me -
- or at least you tried
While I put my face in my hands to hide
Unrelenting silence to cover hidden truth
Afraid of what my poetry would prove:

Your voice was my beacon
Through a time I couldn't speak in
And when I opened my eyes to know you
I found I had walked swiftly through.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Fabricated.

While stumbling through fabrications of the night

                     I fell 
|through a door|
                                                                           long kept closed

Memoirs spilled from the pages of my mind
And inundated a space only a dream could find.

Good-bye Christmas.

The battle to push Christmas out
Was won when the tree went down
Scattered pine needles on the carpet
Are evidence of Big Pine's forfeit.
The ornaments are back in the box,
The fireplace took off its socks
Bright wrappings are gone,
No more red and green songs…

 I look forward to days that are warm
And long.