Saturday, December 31, 2011

Turning Twenty Five

In between good and great
A chance to taste
But not to hold
In between young and old
When the world unfolds
While you wait on hold
A momentary glance
An inside view at chance
A realization, or two or three
That you don't know a damn thing!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tough


"oh honey, you're tough"
as though I scraped my knee
as though this isn't rough
as though there is nothing I need


she thinks I'm so strong
I can't tell if she's listening
a scream for help,
I just want my mom.

her voice is flat
so I hold back tears
my voice still cracks
though it's been years

since she left
cold, empty replies
over a distant line
are constant reminders

that still make me cry.





Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Everything Will Be



I stared at a sparkling wonderland in the yard and painfully tried to figure out if the glitter would follow me. Please let this follow me. I was overwhelmed by the cleansing beauty and cold air, and then a heavy sadness. Would it be like this there? Wherever it is I go?
I gazed across the snow covered yard at the back door to what has been my home and questioned how I'd survive this - I watched the vision of the place I have loved so much - disappear before my eyes. It melted away like a mirage the snow created. I glanced at the two remaining pieces of firewood by the back door and felt as though I was struck by them. Ha, good thing I didn't buy more. For a fire that has gone out. Logically, I know it will snow, and even sparkle; I know the mountains are not moving, it is just meI know that my friendships remain the same; I know that I am as close to beauty as I am willing to recognize at any point. But right now, I know that this hurts. I know that I need to feel the loss and the emptiness, so that I may open the space for the fulfillment that will come. 


Okay?

At the end of this very long day
I hear there's a new beginning
I hear that it will all be okay 
Yes, everything

And...

I know slates are wiped clean to start over
I know fire burns to encourage growth
I know that things are worse before better
I know that the sky is darkest before dawn

But...

At the end of this very long day
Though reminded that I'm strong
Before I know it'll be okay,
I need time for this one sad song.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Raw People

I went on a nice date
With a nice boy
To a nice place.
He might be a decoy.

I drove home and thought of "my people"; my weird, beautiful Colorado family. The ones I find instant connection with; the raw people - you know: the people who use the baggage they carry as humor devices. The weight on their shoulders is expressed sarcastically - almost hopelessly. They laugh freely, curse freely, make love freely - and cry (not quite as freely, but it happens). They are instantly comfortable and easy to talk to, joke with, sleep with. They are exciting and adventurous, but reckless too. Free-spirited (messy, maybe) with strong beliefs - some that hold still long enough for a photograph, then change expression. These are the people I laugh with, talk to, kiss, love freely, curse freely at, and cry in front of. They are people who love me, fall in love with me and on occasion, leave me in a shattered mess of confusion and pieces of broken heart. Mostly, they are people that love me; and people I will deeply love for all time. We exist together through chaos, awkwardness, through laughter, and through heartbreak but only because we are reckless enough to fall in love with each other and crazy enough to fall out... and back in. But there is always a spark with these people. These people are stitched recklessly, yet thoughtfully, together in a security blanket wrapped tightly around; a quilt that has allowed me to feel at home no matter where I am.

So I went on a nice date
With a very nice boy.
And knew he was out of place
When he didn't have a story.