Unfamiliar

I
Am someone you don't recognize
Because when you went away
I found out how to survive

I
Am someone who loves
(and leaves) With reckless abandon
Who hurts quietly within

I

Am someone you don't recognize

Because when you stole away

It felt as though you died

I

Have broken a few hearts

With mine seldom broken

Hidden behind walls that I've built

I
Am someone you don't recognize
Because when you went away
I found out how to thrive

I

Am your daughter, an old friend

In a space that illness has created

Still, my love for you has no end

Maybe one day you will,
Maybe one day I will,
Understand
(why)
This is who I am.

Honestly

If I'm being honest, it is a dangerous thing for you to fall in love with me and me to fall in love with you. But seems an easy thing.

If I'm being honest, I picture myself standing outside your liquid prison banging on walls with closed fists screaming to be let in.

If I'm being honest, I'm terrified that the strength of our friendship will not withstand the intimate weaknesses we are bound to see.

If I'm being honest, I'm avoiding all of this. Because I'm conflicted between logic and my understanding that life is fleeting and days should be seized.

And honestly, I love seizing the days with you. 

Love and Appreciation for Aunt Norma

To my beautiful Aunt Norma

It is funny (in the way that you don't laugh, but scratch your furrowed brow instead): 

Death is one of few inevitables we experience, yet never does it get easier when a loved one leaves us. So I can't help but feel the sting behind my eyes and the sinking of my stomach as I say good-bye. She just posted on my Facebook how well she was doing - battling cancer for the third time! She wanted to know how Kaden and I are. And because I believe we are invincible sometimes; Because I forget how quickly life passes by, I responded to the comment with a convenient post on her wall. It took me a maybe a minute to tap on my keyboard with my thoughts and love for her, how great Kaden is. Another silly yet inevitable thing: I can't help but wish I had picked up the phone instead. I can't help but wish I knew that my "I love you" went straight into her ear, so I could be eased that she knew it - and how much I appreciate her presence in my early life. How grateful I am to have experienced the glow she has always emitted so beautifully. Whether it be years or a day of space from her, the warmth she wrapped around you returned within seconds of being near her. She held a key that unlocked closed doors to let in comfort and laughter. So instead of wishing I had called, or pointlessly hoping for one more moment to hug her and let her feel my appreciation, I am grateful in this moment. Grateful and inspired. Inspired to love as openly as she did, inspired to show Kaden the same love she showed her boys and her family. Inspired to pick up my phone. 

I can't help but feel the sting behind my eyes

And the sinking of my stomach as I say goodbye

And because I believe we are invincible sometimes, 

Because I forget how fleetingly life passes by, 

I can't help but wish I had made the call

So that I could have said it all

How glad I am that she was there

To make it seem like life was fair

With people like her to make you forget

That every battle is completely worth it.

*Thank you, Uncle Bryan, for the photo.

Sunday Cake

A piece of cake and bottle of wine

Just enough to remove us from time

Details blur, boundaries turn soft

Next thing is I'm getting off -

 - On a little escape

A detour from - and to - our place

Crash landing to a welcoming space

Waking up face to face

With where we left but ended up

All swirled in the same drinking cup.

See?

He sees me in the morning sky
And when his camera reaches his eye
He sees me in the evening shadows
And in dim mornings the night draws out
He sees me in the mirror's reflection
A ghost in the place that I once stood in


He sees the woman he thought I was
And I understand it now because


I see him in lights that subtly lie
And hear his slowly whispered good-bye 
I see him in mourning's early shadows
The silhouettes of what I let go
I see him in the photo's reflection
And the way I used to look at him


I see the man I thought he was
But I do not know him now because


Although we look at the same sky
There is distance from his eyes to mine
We see only ghosts inside the shadows
During the nights we have come to know
And remember clearly our own perceptions
Bridged by occasionally shared reflections




Poem inspired by a love letter that was written to me from a person who so carefully and gracefully carried my broken pieces for a moment in time. I am grateful for that moment.

"I see you in everything. I see you in the morning sky, I see you in the evening shadows, I see you in my dreams. I see you when I lift the camera to my eye, and when the picture magically appears I wonder if it would appeal to you. As each day wakes me, I hope you won't be the first thing on my mind...but you are."